ThreeSixty -

Danielle Goodwin is a senior in St. Paul where she is also a student government leader. Her friendships with guys and girls and her participation in her school’s “Loving the Skin I’m In” group – which fosters confidence, reflection and planning for the future among young women of color — have given her an expansive view of the dynamics of “playing,” including how girls can feed into it. In an interview with ThreeSixty director Lynda McDonnell, Danielle described what she sees going on at school and how it affects girls and guys alike.

What is playing exactly?

Guys will have girlfriends – they’ll be together for three months. But they’ll be talking to other girls at the same time. Or they’ll be flirting with other girls. Or they might have a rule – they can only date a girl for a certain amount of time, then they move on to another girl and they’re still talking to other girls. At the same time, they see who they can move on to next.

I don’t know why but it seems like the boys with the most girls, that’s who everyone goes after, that’s who everyone likes, even though they know what they’re about., how they treat girls. It just seem everyone flocks to them…. Girls are a big part of it – definitely.

What’s the attraction?

It’s more of an image. You want to be with the person who gets a lot of attention. They see them, they see you. People are gonna talk – “Hey, she goes with so-and-so. He’s really popular. Everybody knows him.” It’s that type of thing. People feed off of that and want to be part of that.

Have you been played?

One time, I was kept on a friend level for a very long time by a boy that I liked. At first he pursued me. I didn’t want a boyfriend at the time. I was focused on school. As we got closer, I kind of started to like him. I didn’t want to ask him out. After a while, I just had to move on. He’d ask me out and then he’d renege because he wanted to be the player. I wasn’t really about that. I wasn’t going to be one of many.

What effect does playing have on girls?

I think self-esteem. Definitely, you see a lot of girls with low self-esteem. That can be because of a guy who has played them, hurt their feelings, broke their heart. I see a lot of that.

It’s kind of like when you put your heart into something and it doesn’t come out the way you want it to. You want this to be a mutual thing. You want him to like you as much as you like him. It doesn’t always work out that way.

Why do guys become players?

My friend who is a guy – he didn’t start off as a player, but as he started to get more attention, he became one. So I heard the stories every day. I had to hear him talk about different girls every day.

I think it’s kind of like peer pressure to have many different girls. Another reason is some people aren’t satisfied. One girl might not have everything that they need. …Another reason may be a lot of boys are just greedy. They can’t have one. They got to have em all if they can get em.

Are rap videos a factor?

They do make that lifestyle look easy, look fun. Why not? If you can have all this money and nothing to do with it. That’s what we see. We don’t see the other side of rap videos. We just see that one side.

A lot of those girls in those videos do have low self-esteem. That’s why they’re in those videos. They feel like they have to sleep with the rap artists to get ahead. Not all em do that but some of them.

What’s good about a steady relationship?

Trust is a big thing in a steady relationship. You never know what someone you’re just messing around with is doing when you’re not around. You wouldn’t have to deal so much with lying. I feel like if a guy is being a player, he probably does lie to different girls. You have truth in a steady relationship. You tell each other the truth. And companionship – that person is also your friend. You can tell them things, and you know they’ll be there for you.

Is there still a double standard that’s harder on girls than guys?

Yes, of course. It’s kind of more subtle now, but there’s still that double standard whether people talk about it or not. I hear that every day. “Oh, she was with so-and-so. She’s a bust down.” That’s kinda like someone who will mess around with anybody. …Guys don’t really get labeled like girls do. With girls, it’s like a permanent label.

Do teens think about the risks of playing?

A lot of them don’t take it as serious. They don’t think about what could come. They think about what’s going on at the time. The people I choose to put in my immediate circle aren’t like that. I really think that choosing the right person is taking care of yourself.

Pregnancy is a very serious thing to me. It should be with someone you want to be with, you’re married to, really. It shouldn’t be with just anybody. There are a lot of girls who get hurt when there’s nobody there to help them raise a child.

What advice would you give your guy friends?

They need to be careful now. I think they should be smarter about how they want to play their game. Because there are girls who have the same mentality. Who feel like they can be intimate with whomever they want to. You never know who you might be being intimate with…you can’t choose any and everybody these days. There are good girls out there they can be with, they can have a steady relationship with.

What would you say to girls?

Same thing. Be careful. Look out for you and your life. Also, that they are important, despite what anyone told them. That they are somebody.

Don’t just jump into an intimate relationship, a sexual relationship. Get to know a little bit about their history. If you can, ask around about them. “Have you heard anything about this person.” Get inside their head a little bit.

Is celibacy until marriage a realistic choice for most young people?

Not at all. It’s kinda like a tradition that has been long out of practice now. We’ve been taught “When you’re ready,” not “When you’re married.”

Promote teaching them how to protect themselves. Teach them the consequences. Make sure they know everything that comes with it, not just the perks. Don’t just say “Be celibate” because it’s not gonna happen.

I would educate them about what they should do if they’re ready. You should be able to talk about forms of birth control, how you’re gonna protect yourself. You should be able to talk about condoms. You should be able to talk about testing, whether you’re gonna get tested every six months, every year, whatever you wanna do. You should be able to talk about what you’re comfortable with, what you’re not comfortable with.

I think about consequences, what could happen. I got a future ahead of me. I’m thinking about my future.